LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

Shelf ._-E3g. 



UNITED STATES OF AHEEICA. 




' The: Archangkl Michael had flown down below 

On a tour of inspection in Hell, and a flame 

Had singed off his wings so that downward he came. 



A TALE OF A HALO 



BY 

MOEGAN A. KOBEETSON 



ILLUSTRATED BY 

A. CAREY K. JURIST 



NEW YORK ^ > 

THE TRUTH SEEKEK COMPANY ' ^ ^ ^ 

28 Lafayette Place 
1894 






Copyrighted, 1894, 

BY 

MORGAN A. EOBERTSON. 



^^%\i 
^'\^ 




A TALE OF A HALO, 



St. Peter was gazing one day by the gate 

At a sign on the rampart, and, sad to relate. 

His face wore a look of surprise and chagrin. 

For the sign bore the legend, "No Smoking Within." 

While Peter was dozing a cherub had passed 

And high on the rampart had made the sign fast; 

For the Heaven-born privilege he had abused, 

And the smoke from his pipe was through Heaven diffused. 

And the smoke from that pipe had a smell of its own, 

Too strong for the incense that hung 'round the Throne. 

Then he picked up his pipe, his tobacco and stool 
With a grunt of disgust at the new-fangled rule, 






And passed through the portal of jasper and gold 

Wliere smoking was not by the by-law controlled. 

"Strikes rae," quoth the saint, "such a rule would work better 

"If posted in Hell and observed to the letter." 

And filling and lighting his pipe as he spoke 

He seated himself for a good quiet smoke. 

As he smoked and reflected he noticed how cool 

It seemed to be getting. He picked up his stool 

And moved somewhat nearer the gate to secure ; 

What little warmth came from within: to be sure 

He might, had he chosen, have broken the rule 

And finished his smoking inside, but no fool 

Was grizzled old Peter; he knew a complaint 

Might give his position to some other saint. 

So he smoked on in silence while colder it grew, 

So cold that around his gaunt figure he drew 

His robe a bit closer and swallowed the whole 

Of the stem of his pipe to get warmth from the bowl. 



"A cold wave is coming," said Peter at last. 
"I hope there is nothing amiss with the blast 

2 



"In Xxie regions below; for if Satan should bank 
"His fires for a while, I am sure such a prank 
"Would cause a revolt in the heavenly host, 
"And not a soul here would remain at his post. 
"For Hell is contrived on a plan so complete 
"That the roasting of sinners shall furnish us heat. 
"But singers can't sing when their lips are all chapped, 
"And harpers are helpless with fingers enwrapped 
"In mittens and gloves, and I very much doubt 
"If anj^one here could be very devout 
" Or happy till Satan relighted the coals 
"And started again the cremation of souls. 
"My goodness, it's cold! I must go and inquire 
"To see if there's anything wrong with the fire. 



"I'll send down a message. Hello, what is this? 
"A spirit of earth! I perceive how it is, 
"He brings the cold with him; no doubt on the earth 
"This man was of consequence, noble in birth — 
"I can tell by the cut of his jib . I suppose, 
"To judge by his walk, he has come to foreclose 

3 




"A mortgage on Heaven, or maybe bis nerve 

"Is only sufficient to cause him to serve 

"A writ of replevin to get the return 

"Of the treasure he's laid up in Heaven: I'll learn. 

"Ho, spirit of earth! now, before you advance 
"Any farther, just tell me, to what lucky chance 
"You owe your escape from the highroad to Hell! 
" What name do you answer to ? Where did you dwell? 
"And what have you done in your earthly career 
"To induce you to think you are welcome up here?" 

The stranger he spoke to was tall and erect, 
And his features were stamped with a haughty respect 
For himself, so of course no attention he paid 
To the saint, neither seemed he to think that his aid ^ 
Was in any way needful. He strode to the gate 
Where he knocked long and loud, till he knocked off a plate 
Of the jasper; and Peter, appalled and aghast 
At the foul desecration, cried, "Hold, there! avast! 
"Are you trying to enter fair Heaven by storm? 
"You will hardly succeed: if you do not conform 

4 




"To the rules and reply to my questions, you'll find 
"That you'll stay where you are till you've made up your 
mind." 



The stranger now turned and regarded the saint 
Severely and long; then with rare self restraint 
Said, "Pardon me, sir; who is this 1 address?" 

"St. Peter, and I am the " "Wait, you digress. 

"For all that I asked was your name, and you say 

"St. Peter: now with your permission I may 

"Inquire of you what are your duties up here." 

"My duties are mainly to keep Heaven clear 

"Of dead -heads, impostors and people like you 

" Who I think would be better " "Tut, tut, that will do. 




"Your name is St. Peter: your duty, I find, 
" Is to keep out the people whom you are inclined 
"Or pleased to term dead-heads, impostors and such. 
"This being the case, I yet doubt very much 
"That 5^ou can consistently fail to concede 
"That the converse is equally true, and you need 

5 



^* At times to admit to the City within 
^*A11 such as are worthy of entrance therein. 

"Am I right?" "I suppose so, but really can't see 

"What you're driving at; what is your name?" "Pardon me, 

"I will further continue. We reach, if you please, 

"A point where your answer quite fully agrees 

** With logic and reason. Now this much I find, 

"As explaining your zeal and your rather unkind 

"And intemperate speech, that you cannot conceal 

"That you hold the Keys and the Heavenly Seal. 

"This is so, is it not?" "Yes, it is," said the saint;* 
"But I'm rather inclined to opine that you ain't 

"A-going inside till " "Excuse me, dear sir; 

"Let me say that in grammar you carelessly err, 
"As 'ain't' is a word that is seldom now heard 
"From people of culture; 'tis hardly a word, 
"But a union or vulgar corruption of two; 
"And neither in fact in your sentence would do, 
"Which, besides, in construction is very confused; 
"And 'opine' is a word that is better not used. 

6 



"Your final remark was uncalled for indeed. 

"But this is irrelevant: we will proceed 

" Witli the question in hand. 1 have found the gate locked; 

"I am anxious to enter; my feelings are shocked 

"By your language and manner. Now, you have the key; 

"Please attend to your duty." "Why, yes — but you see, 

"1 must ask you if " "There, sir, we cannot debate 

"Any longer this question: please open the gate!" 



St. Peter, impressed by his manner and tone, 
Was loth to commit himself. Once he had known 
That trouble could follow the little word "No": 
When the Archangel Michael had flown down below 
On a tour of inspection in Hell, and a flame 
Had singed off his wings so that downward he came 
To the ground, which he struck with the back of his neck 
(It took twenty devils to clear up the wreck). 
And painfully homeward had wandered on foot. 
With his face covered over with bruises and soot, 
And the stumps of his pinions concealed by a part 
Of his raiment which made him a fair counterpart 

7 




Of a hunchback; for Peter could not understand 
How any such creature should dare to command 
That he open the gates. He declared he would not, 
And well he remembered the thrashing he got. 

With this in his mind it is not very strange 

That he wavered and thought it was better to change 

His tactics a little, for if he should make 

Such a foolish, unseemly and grievous mistake 

As to stop or annoy one of Heaven's elect, 

Or treat him with any pronounced disrespect, 

He might get in trouble, since many complaints 

Of his conduct were made by the rest of the saints. 

So the stranger's command he resolved to obey: 
He ushered him in: then he pointed the way 
To the outfitting office where, hanging on hooks. 
Were the outfits for incoming souls. There w^ere books 
Containing the anthems, hosannas and songs; 
There were cymbals and harps for the worshiping throngs; 
There were robes; there were crowns; there were halos so bright 
As to dazzle the eye with their splendor and light; 

8 



And with these the newcomers were always supplied 
The very first thing after getting inside. 



The spirit in charge was remarkably kind 

In his manner, and also polite and refined 

Compared with St. Peter. His life on the earth 

Had been saddened with grief from the hour of his birth 

He had driven a car for a living, and this 

Had earned him the right to a future of bliss. 

For patience and sweetness of soul are by far 

The greatest things needed in driving a car. 

He never in life had been known to complain 

Of his lot; but in sickness and sorrow and pain 

Had held to his duty and nobly had tried 

To reach his ideal of life, but he died. 

He died, and the world never missed him at all: 

He fell as a leaf in the autumn will fall. 

But Heaven remembered and gave him the post 

Of outfitting clerk to the heavenly host. 



And this was the character, gentle and good. 
Who welcomed the stranger and did what he could 

9 




To equip liim completely. I will not detail 

All the points ol" this interview — language wonld fail. 

Suffice it to say that he criticised all 

That the outfitter show^ed him; the halos were "small 

And dull," and the crowns, though of finest of gold, 

Were "loud and not high enough, shabby and old." 

Though the robes were creations of beauty and taste. 
And cut from the pattern of those which had graced 
The forms of the angels since Heaven began. 
The outfitting clerk was requested to plan 
Him a new one, made up in a different style. 
He would "wait there until it was ready"; meanw^iile 
He would "look at the harps."- So he sampled them s.11. 
They were "all out of tune, and besides rather small 
In their compass"; and he had been wont to aspire 
In his "musical efforts full three octaves higher." 

He looked through the hymn-books and found that he knew 
"By heart all the anthems," and also a few 
That were very much better, and this would suffice, 
For should he forget them he might improvise. 

10 




He needed uo hymn-book, but as for the rest 

Of his outfit, he wanted it " made by the best 

Of the workmen and tailors that Heaven contained. 

And to order" : but here was a hitch; there remained 

Not one of that skillful and dexterous band 

Of angel mechanics whose genius had planned, 

And gathered, and built from the chaos of Night 

This beautiful, glorious City of Light; 

And also had furnished some outfils for souls 

Who could capture a place on the heavenly rolls. 



For ages ago they had shown their dislike 
Of working so hard and liad gone on a strike 
Under Satan, but failed in their object for, well, — 
They all became devils residing in Hell. 
Since then when the angels or spirits liad done 
Any damage in Heaven, a cherub would run 
With a notice to Satan, who'd rout from their lairs 
Some devils and send them to make the repairs. 
And the devils by this time had mended the gate 
Where the stranger had carelessly knocked off the plate. 

11 




All this was explained him: he was "in no haste," 
He wanted "an outfit that suited" his taste. 
So, after much trouble, the outfitting clerk 
Sent Satan the order, and Hell went to work. 

It didn't take long with the skill at command 

To finish and send up the goods, which Avere scanned 

By the stranger with careful and critical eye. 

He remarked that the crown was a "trifle too high." 

And he asked for some acid to test it," because, 

Unless it were purest of metal," he was 

"Not going to wear it": he found it all right; 

But Hell got it back to reduce it in height. 

He tried on the robe and he thought it "might do." ^ 
It was not what he wanted, but then it was "new," 
And that was "a point in its favor": the harp 
Was a marvel of skill, but in no case would sharp; 
It needed retuning, so Hellward it went. 
But at sight of the halo his hauteur unbent 
And his features relaxed to a jubilant gaze; 
For here was a grand combination of rays 

12 



That spread from a circle with shimmer and sheen. 
It baffles description; there never was seen 
In Heaven such color and brilliant effect. ! 

It would make him " the envy of all the elect." 

The harp and the crown were returned very soon. 

The crown was all right and the harp was in tune. 

And then he accepted and found it the best 

And handsomest outfit in Heaven possessed, 

And quite to his liking, he said, "were it not 

For a strong smell of brimstone pervading the lot." 

But this would "wear off": he extended his thanks 

To the outfitting clerk, then he left for the ranks 

Of the choir; while the clerk, with a pain in his head, 

Resigned his position and took to his bed. 




In the meantime, the puzzled St. Peter had spent 
Sx)me moments in thinking, and then he had sent 
A message to Michael explaining the case^ — ■ 
That a stranger had got through the gate "on his face.' 
The Archangel Michael was not to be found; 
He was not in his office but "somewhere around," 

13 



And the messenger searched in each cranny and nook 
And found him at last overhauling the book 
Of the angel in charge of the records, to learn 
What Peter on earth had accomplished, to earn 
His canonization; and who made the pleas 
That put him in charge of the heavenly keys. 

The Archangel Michael had ever remained 

The handsomest angel that Heaven contained. 

His face had the glory which righteousness brings, 

And also, alone of the angels, his wings 

Were made of asbestos — his mishap below 

Had blistered the stumps and no feathers would grow. 

And Michael could never get over the spite 

He felt for the saint since the day^of the fight; 

For Peter, though whipped, had delivered some blows 

With telling effect on the Archangel's nose. 

Since then the Archangel had joined with the saints 
Who envied St. Peter, and pushed the complaints 
Of his scandalous pranks, that had gone to the Throne. 
For 'round about Heaven 'twas very well known 

14 



That the saint had resumed some old habits again, 

And often would get rather tipsy, and then 

Would climb on the ramparts and whoop, and hooray, 

And act in a most reprehensible w^ay. 

He did it quite often, as well as to choke 

The Heavenly host with the vilest of smoke. 

But up to the present St. Peter retained 
His keys and his office, and Michael had gained 
But little except the permission to hang 
The notice forbidding his smoking his whang* 
Inside of the gates; and the Archangel knew 
That the saint had a pull, which, if he overthrew, 
He would have to bring evidence, lucid and clear, 
To prove that below in his earthly career 
He was hardly so saintly as everyone thought. 
And so through the pages he carefully sought 
For data sufficient to make a good case. 
And found that the saint was an impious, base 
And hardened old hypocrite up to his death; 
And only, in fact, with his very last breath 

* Tobacco. 
15 





Had gabbled the prayer which allowed him to dwell 
For the future in Heaven instead of in Hell. 

His end had been sad. He had stolen the pay 
Of a soldier of Rome and had gone on his way 
Pursued by the soldier, who won in the race, 
And dealt him a terrible blow with his mace. 
Which brought him to earth with a broken back -bone. 
(And thus had the soldier recovered his own.) 
But Peter expressed his emotions in prayer 
Interlarded with curses that blistered the air. 
And the bystanders wagered some trifling amounts 
As to which he would make up his mind to renounce — 
His prayers or his curses ; for this would foretell 
Just where he was going to, Heaven or Hell. 

But Peter was lucky; his last moment came 
As he wound up a prayer and before he could frame 
A new malediction; and Heaven rejoiced 
With exceeding great joy, and the glad tidings voiced 
That the sheep which was lost had returned to the fold; 
While the soldier, who^'d bet on it, doubled his gold. 

16 



When Michael liaci finishecl this stoiy, he turned 
To the place where it told how the incense had burned 
Some centuries later, when Rome was ablaze 
With pageant and pomp of devotional praise; 
How priests had paraded in sanctified style, 
And bells had resounded to Heaven, the while 
Cathedrals were packed with the worshiping throngs, 
Who listened to music, and anthems, and songs, 
When Peter was sainted; and found it to be 
But a scheme of the Pope and the Most Hoh' See 
To elevate someone high up on a perch. 
And raise enough money to finish a church. 



And Michael remembered the time it occurred, 
And the trouble that Peter had caused when he heard 
That down on the earth he was sainted. He went. 
To celebrate properly such an event, 
On a tipsy carousal with Gabriel's horn. 
Which he stole from the trumpeter; this he had borne 
To the portals of Hell, and with blast upon blast 
Had aw^akened the echoes of Hell, till at last • 

17 




He was caught by the devils, put under restraint, 
And Heaven had ransomed its newly made saint. 

He closed with a sigh; he could find nothing newer 
Pertaining to Peter, and though he was sure 
That Hell contained people much better than he, 
The fact that the Pope and the Most Holy See 
Had made him a saint put it out of his power 
To question his claims to his Heavenly dower; 
For papal authority governed his oion^ 
And often exceeded the poic^r of the Throne. 
And Michael, though premier and chief in command, 
Had little control over such of the band ^^ 
Of saints as held office, and this but increased 
His wish to have Peter disrated at least. 

As to why he was given the care of the keys — 
It was one of the high and mysterious decrees 
In which the Arcliangel had not had a voice. 
'Most everyone thought that the Pope had the choice. 
Be this as it may, the appointment had been •" 
The source of a deep and most painful chagrin 

18 



To the rest of the saints, and it almost had brought 
The most of thera down to a point where they sought, 
By prying and spying and telling of tales 
And pitiful dwelling on smallest details. 
To oust the old man from his saintly estate 
And have him relieved from the care of the gate. 

As he thought of the matter the message arrived; 
From which the Archangel on hearing derived 
^ome hope that the saint had committed an act 
That proved him so utterly lacking in tact, 
So grossly incompetent, silly and weak, 
As might make occasioiwSf, which he could speak. 
And have the "old rascal reduced to the ranks," 
Where he could control him and punish his pranks. 

He concluded to carefully watch, in the hope 
That b}^ giving the stranger a good deal of rope 
He would probabl}^ hang himself; then, he could make 
A g. jater display of St. Peter's mistake. 
So he sauntered around to obtain a good view 
Of the stranger, who soon hove in sight with his new 

19 




-And splendid equipment, and Michael had gazed 
But a moment upon him, quite shocked and amazed, 
When he muttered: "He's got himself into a scrape! 
"And the consequence this time he cannot escape." 
And the joy that he felt was unholy and grim; 
It was most unbecoming an angel like him. 

The stranger passed on to the jubilant throng 
Composing the choir. As he hastened along. 
His halo reflected the light from the Throne 
And even surpassed it with light of its own. 
His manner was dignified, measured and proud; 
He carried the harp on his shoulder, and bowed 
His head in devotion, and all had combined 
To impress even Michael, who lingered behind. 



So it is not surprising that all eyes were bent 
Upon the newcomer as forward he went; 
And the loud anvil chorus of praise to the Throne 
That was filling all Heaven with thundering tone, 
Intermingled with voices, and often quite drowned 
By the twanging of millions of harps, and the sound 

20 



Of cymbals unnumbered, should cease and give way 
To a murmur of voices and grievous display 
Of wonder, and envy, and gross disrespect 
To this latest addition to Heaven's elect. 

The newcomer passed on his way undisturbed 

And every expression of feeling he curbed. 

He wanted a seat, so he sauntered around 

And searched right and left; there were none to be found 

Except one of gold, standing high and alone 

And facing the choir, very close to the Throne. 

He took it without hesitation^ but first 

Delivered himself of an eloquent burst 

Of indignant reproval, in which he deplored 

The reception they gave him; the wigels encored. 

And then he requested the choir would begin 
An anthem of praise so that he could join in. 
But not a sound came from that envious crowd 
Except a low grumbling, not spoken aloud, 
But which indicated, as Michael had guessed. 
That discord had entered the home of the blest. 

2i 





The sight of that halo in Heaven had made 
A great deal of trouble, and I am afraid 
Not one of that host could be joj^ful, unless 
He also as well as the stranger could dress. 

They threw down their halos, their harps and their books, 

And gathered in clusters with envious looks 

At the stranger's big halo; and all were agreed 

That this did not fit into any known creed. 

As lambs of the fold, they were heirs to the best 

That Heaven aiforded. If this was a test 

Of their faith and belief they had this much to say : 

They did "not purpose to be tested that way." 

So they grumbled, and growled, a«d endeavored to r^ach 
A plan of concerted procedure. A speech 
Was made by a saint who advised that they name 
A committee of saints and instruct it to frame, 
And put into writing, a protest of this 
Injustice to all who inherited bliss. 
And others would settle the matter by force. 
But none of the canonized saints would endorse 

22 



An open rebellion : they all had their say 
But somehow they could not agree on a way. 

It was a sad muddle, for should they procure 
New halos for all of their number, 'twas sure 
To establish in Heaven a troublesome, bad 
And dangerous precedent; also would add 
So much to the duties of Hell that the fires 
Might suffer; and Heavenly justice requires 
That sinners must roast — as in Scripture is told; 
And besides, Heaven might get distressingly cold. 

But should it so happen their claims were ignored 
And the vials of Heavenly vengeance were poured 
On their heads, as had happened long since to the band 
Of strikers who tried to assume the command : 
And they should be sent to the same horrid fate: 
What triumph for Satan's malevolent hate! 
For Heaven would have to start over again. 
As Hell would contain all the spirits of men. 

The outlook for Peter began to look tough, 

And Michael now thought it had gone far enough; 




So he quickly advanced on the stranger, who gazed 

With indifferent eye on the trouble he'd raised. 

He'd waited in vain for the music to start, 

Then, saying that he would at least do his part, 

Had tuned up his harp, and as Michael drew near 

Had started some singing that ravished the ear; 

So grand was the melody. Softly at first, 

Increasing in strength to a glorious burst 

Of joyous devotion, this neophyte sang; 

And divinely the voice and melodious twang 

Of the harp seemed to mingle; and Michael stood still 

And waited, and listened, until the last trill 

Of the singing had ceased; for such music as this 

Had seldom been heard in the regions of bliss. 



But duty was duty; he must not give way 
To his feelings, for here was the "devil to pay." 
So he turned to the malcontents, crying: "Ye fools! 
"Will ye let our Arch-enemy make you his tools, 
" To depopulate Heaven and get the control 
" Of the whole of your number, each saint and each soul? 

24 



"Behold here a foul emissary from Hell! 

"From whence come the clothes that become him so well? 

"From whence come that halo, that beautiful crown, 

"And marvelous harp? Do you know that far down 

"In the bowels of Hell, there alone is the skill 

"To make such an outfit ? In Hell is the will 

"To conceive of this plot. And in Hell is the lair 

" Of this fond who so daringly/ sits in my chair ! 

"His purpose is plain: he has come to beguile 

"Your eyes with his splendor, producing meanwhile 

"Foul passions of vanity, envy and hate. 

"Go back to j^our seats ere you find it too late!" 



When he'd finished this short, comprehensive and most 
Astounding oration, he turned from the host 
And roared to the stranger: "Get out of my seat! 
"Get out of it quickly! get up on your feet! 
"Do you fancy that you are permitted to dwell 
"In this place with your fiendish productions of Hell? 
"Take off that big halo, that crown and the rest — 
"You have brought such a smell to the home of the blest 

25 




That ages must pass before Heaven is cleared 
Of the taint of your presence ! Why have you appeared 
In our home? Did you think that we would not suspect? 
Did you think when you managed, through Peter's neglect 
Of his duty, to enter this sanctified place 
That everyone here had forgotten your face? 
Declare yourself ! HelVs Secretary of State — 
Declare yourself! Beelzebub, Satan's first mate!'* 



When Michael had finished, the stranger arose, 
And straight on the bridge of the Archangel's nose 
He landed the halo. It fell with a whack 
That laid out the Archangel flat on his back 
Ere it circled aloft in a glorious flight 
That rivaled the rainbow in color and light. ^ 

Then smashing the crown and the harp on the ground. 
He bellowed a laugh of demoniac sound 
And hid from the sight of them all in a cloak 
Of sickening, nauseous, sulphurous smoke 
Which came from his nostrils, and when it had cleared, 
He then to the eyes of all Heaven appeared 

26 



A devil iinth pinhyns^ hoofs^ tail and the lohole 
Of the Jiellish equip n cent ; and blacker than coal! 

A devil in Heaven! O shame and disgrace! 
A devil of Hell in this City of Grace! 
No wonder the outfitting clerk is in bed; 
No wonder that Peter now shivers with dread 
As he stands at a distance and watches the row, 
And mutters: " What's goin' to become of me now?" 
For Michael had hit the right nail on the head 
When, a moment before, in his speech he had said 
That Satan had sent up his doughty chief mate 
With orders to pass if he could through the gate, 
And if once on the inside of Heaven he stood, 
To cause all the trouble he possibly could. 

And then when he got from the outfitting clerk 
That order, he furnished the very best w^ork 
That Hell could produce, and ihe halo was made 
By Satan himself, who had mastered his trade 
When Heaven was building and Hell was unknown, 
And he had the charge of the work on the Throne. 

27 



He remembered tbe halos in Heaven were all 
Of a plain, simple pattern and made rather small; 
And be knew what tbe outfitting clerk bad not guessed 
Tbat tbe balo be made would eclipse all tbe rest. 



And Satan, arcb-tempter, bad never conceived, 
Since Heaven bad been of bis presence relieved, 
A bolder, a viler, more scandalous plot! 
Tbe job in tbe Garden of Eden bad not 
Been balf so productive of sin and disgrace 
As tbis, wbicb bad brougbt to tbis sanctified place 
Sucb raiscbief ; for wben in tbe form of a snake 
He tempted fair Eve in tbe garden to take 
Tbe apple, bis wickedness only b^ad been 
Tbe source of inberent, original sin. 
And tbis bad but bampered poor man on tbe eartb, 
And be still bad tbe cbance to acbieve tbe New Birtb. 
But bere was a plot wbicb was meant to affect 
Tbe very existence of Heaven's elect! 
For wbat could be done witb a mutinous crowd 
Of newly born, sanctified souls wbo allowed 

28 



The passions of vanity, envy and hate 

To 'rise in their hearts in their glorified state? 

Great Michael lay prone for a moment; then 'rose 

With a pair of black eyes and the bloodiest nose 

That Heaven had seen since the days of the strike, ■ 

Quite sadly disfigured, and veiy unlike 

The glorious Michael of dignified mien 

Who always had kept himself tidy and clean! 

With countenance bloody, and swollen, and flushed, 

lie roared to the angels to charge; then he rushed 

On the devil, who mounted aloft with a grin. 

And the angels pursued with tlie hideous din 

Of the cries of the host in their ears, and commenced 

A chase of a nature which only incensed 

And worried the chasers, for, try as they might, 

They could not lay hold of his devilship quite. 




How this should so happen, 1 really can't tell; 
But they were outfiown by a devil from Hell. 
The reason may be, that the devils had worked 
While living in Hell, and the angels had shirked 

29 



And lain around Hea\'en with nothing to do 
But daily to welcome a spirit or two. 
And the watching of fires and the tossing of coals 
With the details attending the roasting of sonls 
Will strengthen the muscles, and this may explain 
How all of their efforts to catch him were vain. 
He did not seem anxious to make his escape 
Or to think he was caught in a very bad scrape; 
For he dodged, and he circled, and led them a chase 
That covered the whole of the City of Grace. 
And they looked to the paralyzed legion below 
Like so many pigeons pursuing a crow. 




With faces perspiring and breath jcoming short 
They probably thought it inglorious sport; 
For little by little the weaker ones fell 
To the rear and came down to the ground for a spell. 
And soon the whole army, quite weary and worn, 
Was scattered all over, and Gabriel's horn 
Was sounded in vain; for it failed to arouse 
Any great sense of duty; and wiping their brows 

30 







And bolding their sides they returned to the place 
From which they had started, and gave up the chase. 

But Michael continued, with close at his hand 

The trumpeter Gabriel next in command. 

But vain were their efforts lo capture the fiend, 

Who laughed in derision, and dodged, and careened 

To the right and the left with the greatest of ease; 

And finally managed, in passing, to seize 

The ankle of Gabriel; then he contrived 

To swing him around, and the trumpeter dived, 

While fruitlessly trying to turn himself 'round 

By a furious flapping of wings, to the ground: 

He struck; and stretched out with a gasp and a groan- 

And Michael was left to continue alone. 

Then Beelzebub shrieked in demoniac glee — 
'Twas heartless and mean to a shocking degree — 
And Michael, enraged at his hellish delight. 
Now roared a request that he meet him in fight! 
But somehow or other the fiend didn't care 
To meet the Archangel in battle just there. 

31 



He made him no answer: in fact he but grinned 
And sailed through the air with the speed of the wind 
To where old St. Peter was standing alone 
And wishing himself a bit nearer the Throne. 
And Michael, as Beelzebub showed him his strength, 
Pursued a short distance, then stopped and at length 
Returned to his army, to muster them, for 
He thought it was time for a council of war. 

St. Peter perceived with increasing alarm 

That the fiend now intended to do him some harm, 

And started to run for the Throne, but he found 

That the devil was beating him. Down on the ground 

He fell in his terror. He screamed and he squalled 

And. loudly for help to the angels he called. 

His cries were unheeded; the angels were now 

In charge of their chieftain, who would not allow 

A move to be made till the council convened — 

So Peter was left with the terrible fiend. 

He fell on the saint like a huge bird of iprey. 
But Peter by this time had fainted away 

32 




And conlcl not feel Beelzebub's clutch on bis hair, 
Nor hear his loud laugh as they 'rose in the air. 
Just what he would do with him no one could tell, 
But Michael remarked: "If he takes him to Hell, 
"It will be a good job — we'll be rid of them both 
"And it's where they belong," but the devil seemed loth 
To return to the region of clamor and crime — 
He doubtless was having a very good time. 



He easily carried his burden and flew 
High up overhead, and when Peter came to 
And awoke to a sense of his terrible plight, 
And heard the fiend shriek in unholy delight. 
And saw^ that the angels and most of the host 
Away down beneath him were fully engrossed 
In affairs of their own; then he moaned in despair 
And made him the sign of the cross in the air. 
He was dropped! and revolving and sprawling, he fell 
While the fiend high above him gave yell after yell 
Of malice and rage. Then he flew to the wall 
While Peter reviewed his whole life in his fall, 

33 




Recalled every item of trouble and strife; 
And then disappeared ij^ the River of Life. 



The stream was beneath him, quite lucky for him. 
And lucky it was, too — he knew how to swim. 
He pulled himself out and lay down on the grass 
To wait till his terror and weakness might pass; 
And he bitterly thought how the angels and host 
Refused him assistance when needing it most. 
"It's all Michael's doings, 1 know," groaned the sainf, 
"He owes me a grudge, and I'm sure he will paint 
"This matter so black that I'd best emigrate. 
"I know I've turned people away from the gate 
"Much better than even the best of that crowd. 
"They wouldn't at least have kept still and allowed '' 
"A devil to pounce on a helpless old man. 
"But all of those people are under the ban; 
"They're in Hell, and the discipline's very severe. 
"Still, I don't seem to have any friends around here. 
"They've kicked and complained till my smoking is stopped 
"On the inside of Heaven — but why was I dropped ? 

34 



"He was angry at something and gave me a toss. 
"I have it! Why bless me! the sign of the cross! 

''The sign of the cross! oli, wliy didn't I think, 
"Before he came near, that all devils will slink 
"And straddle their tails and run off in a fright 
" When anyone makes snch a sign in their sight? 
"I'll stay where I am and hang on to the keys: 
"I can handle the fiend jnst about as I })lease: 
"But he won't approach me. As for that holy gang 
"Who wouldn't assist me, why — they can go hang! 
"They must think of the sign or they'll not get him out 
"And then if they don't, I'll be very devout 
"For a while, till they notice the change in my face, 
"And then I will chase him clear out of the place. 
"Perhaps it w^ill square me for letting him in, 
"For I know I've committed a terrible sin." 

So saying, he slowly went back to the gate 
And sat hiraselC down on his stool to await 
The turn of events; while the angels and host 
Were struck with his courage, but marveled the most 

35 



f^^ 



To see the fiend rise from his perch on the wall 

Near the gate, where he'd sat since he let Peter fi.ll. 

And hover a moment, then tal^e a short flight 

To a place where St. Peter was out of his sight^ 

For the craft^^ old saint, with the cautious design 

Of being quite certain^ had made him the sign. 

But Michael declared: "The old villain is full 

"Of uncanny resources — 'tis part of his pull. 

"And notice: he fell in the waiter, instead 

"Of a place where the fall might have broken his her.d.' 



Great Michael had been to the river and cleaned 
The blood from his face ere the council convened. 
A party was sent to bring Gabriel^in, 
But met him returning quite whole in his skin. 
His fall had but dazed him and robbed him of breath, 
And he still had a wish to be "in at the death." 
The council consisted of Michael and most 
Of his angels, and also some saints from the host, 
Who down on the earth had perfected a plan 
For casting out devils. The council began 

36 



AtkI they talked, and tliey argued, but all were agreed 

That to get Lira to leave tbera in peace they would need 

Some stronger inducements than any j^^et tried. 

'Twas useless to chase him; so they must decide 

On some other method — but there was the rub: 

No method there was to induce Beelzebub 

To return to his home in the regions below 

Unless they were able to force him to go. 

And Michael considered the shame and disgrace 

And the danger besides to the City of Grace 

In the making of terms: they might have to repel 

In a very short time an invasion from Hell! 



And Michael still thought, though the devil could beat 
The angels in flight, should he stay on his feet. 
They could catch him and bring the whole thing to an end. 
Of course the success of this scheme would depend 
On Beelzebub's taking the very same view; 
But this he was not very likely to do. 
The council concluded the only thing left 
Was a duel; for though of all honor bereft, 

37 




He surely would meet any angel of light 
Who formally dared him to stand up and fight. 
So Michael was chosen to challenge the fiend. 
He advanced to the place where the devil sat screened 
From the view of St. Peter, high up on the wall, 
With his head in his hands and curled up in a ball. 
But as Michael drew near him he gave a loud shriek 
And passed overhead, and before he could speak 
Had assumed the offensive; so, Michael returned 
In a very great hurry. The council adjourned. 



For the terrible fiend was among them! He struck 
To the ground every angel whose courage or luck 
Would make him a victim. He opened, full length, 
Those hideous wings, and with marvelous strength 
Now mowed through their ranks: to the left, to the right, 
He dashed in his rage: it was useless to fight 
This black incarnation of fury and wrath, 
So all who were able got out of his path. 
Then he turned his attention to Heaven's great host. 
And Michael came up, and, on finding the most 

38 




Of his angels disabled and quite overthrown, 
Disdained their assistance and chased him alone. 

Those millions of glorified souls had remained 

In the place where the}^ stood when the premier arraigned 

The fiendish impostor. They noted his pranks 

With some trepidation; a few in their ranks 

Had patiently hoped that the trouble would end ; 

That glorious Michael would capture and send 

The devil below where he came from; but most 

Of that newly born, sanctified, heavenly host 

Had talked themselves into a sad state of mind — 

In a time of such trouble, 'twas rather unkind. 

They claimed they were cheated; on earth the}^ had been 
Quite Godly, opposed to all manner of sin. 
The church had attended each Sunday, and Lent 
They had kept, and their time and their money had spent 
To scatter the seed: the3^ had humbled their pride. 
They had fought the good fight, and at last they had died 
In the odor of sanctity: knowing for this, 
They were promised a future of glory and bliss. 

39 



But how were tliese promises kept? They haci found 
There were hardly good halos enough to go 'round; 
The harps were worn out, as were also the crowns; 
The robes were no better than shabby night gowns. 
And now since they knew what the devils could do 
In the way of fine halos, they wanted them too. 
They wanted that devil put out of the place. 
And at once; 'twas an outrage, a shame and disgrace 
To allow him to stay and do just as he pleased! 
And so they complained; but when Peter was seized 
And dropped in the river, they grinned with delight; 
And the saints all declared that it served him just right. 



They were still of this mind when-the devil had done^ 
With the angels; and now like a shot from a gun 
He fell on their ranks, and there 'rose on the air 
Such agonized wailings, such shrieks of despair, 
As never were heard in fair Heaven befoje! 
And Michael behind could accomplish no more 
Than to climb over those whom the devil had struck 
With his terrible wings, for with all of his pluck 

40 



And all of his strenoth, the Archangel now found 

The fiend his superior, down on the ground 

As he was in the air; and he paused in disgust 

To wait till he'd sated his horrible lust 

For battle, and then he might hope to induce 

This devil to come to some sort of a truce. 

But nobody thought in this general loss 

Of resources to make him tiie sign of the cross. 

And on went the fiend in his terrible might 
Through the ranks of the host. 'Twas a sickening sight 
As he felled them b}^ dozens, with broad sweeping blows 
Of his black horny wings, leaving rows upon rows 
Of the stricken behind him: they scattered and fied 
With loud screams of terror, and soon they were spread 
To. the uttermost bounds of the place, still pursued 
By that demon of wrath. Before long he had strewed 
The ground with nine-tenths of the glorified souls — 
The other one-tenth had got into some holes. 

But Peter w^as tranquil, quite tranquil indeed. 
He had quietly watched the terrific stampede 

41 




With his nerves in command and his visage sedate, 

Then passing outside through the heavenly gate 

Went into convulsions of laughter: he tried 

To stand on his head, but he failed; then he tied 

Himself into contortions and rolled on the ground. 

'Twas very unseemly and did not redound 

To his credit; nay more, though I'm not very prim, 

I think it was very disgraceful in him. 



Then lighting his pipe he proceeded to smoke. 
While inside of Heaven the angels awoke 
To the fact that their troubles had only begun. 
For in spite of the mischief the devil had done 
He still was unsatisfied: up from the ground 
He 'rose when he'd finished the host, and around 
The Heavenly City he took a short flight; 
Then all who were watching observed him alight 
On the Avindow of one of the mansions of gold 
— The home of some glorified lambs of the fold — 
There he stopped for a moment, then went to the next. 
And in turn to them all, and the angels, perplexed 

42 



At his actions and wond'ring what now would transpire, 
Soon heard from a distance the faint cry of "Fire!" 

For the devil had opened each window and blown 

A flame from his nostrils before he had flown 

To the next; and brave Michael, on looking, beheld 

A column of smoke from each mansion. He jelled 

To the angels an order to run out the hose 

And to man the machine, and he straightway arose 

In the air with the purpose of forcing a fight 

And straight for the devil directed his flight. 

While the rickety engine was brought from its place, 

And some of the angels proceeded to chase 

The legion's uninjured from out of their holes; 

For being short-handed they needed the souls. 

The engine was placed and the suction hose dipped 
In the River of Life, and the handles were shipped; 
The hose was led out: the machine was then manned ' 
By twenty-four souls who could not understand 
How they were expected to do any work; 
Still none of their number attempted to shirk. 

43 




9-MA 




And little by little the injured revived, 

And battered and bleeding, by thousands arrived 

To lend their assistance. They soon got a stream 

On the scene of the fire, but the flickering gleam 

Of the flames now appeared from each window and door, 

And voices were drowned in the terrible roar 

Of the pitiless fire, as it fiercely devoured 

Their homes and their treasures and over them showered 

A hot rain of cinders, while high overhead 

The smoke in great volumes belched upward and spread. 



They labored like heroes; 'twas useless; the stream 
That played on the fire was but turned into steam, 
And soon every mansion that Heaven contained 
Was smoking in ruins, and nothing remained 
Of their homes but the walls; they were proof against heat, 
But the ruin of everything else was complete. 
Fatigued and disheartened they lay down to rest 
And wished they were rid of their terrible guest, 
And watched overhead through the smoke where a pair . 
Of specks were revolving and dodging in air, 

44 



'Twas Michael and Beelzebub. Michael had failed 
"^'o reach him before he had finished and sailed 
High aloft to enjo}^ what his devilish brain 
Considered a joke, and so, almost insane 
With rage at their helplessness, Michael pursued . 
But could not induce him to be interviewed. 



And down at the portal St. Peter had stayed 
At his post like a hero — no longer afraid; 
No cowardly terror assailed the old saint; 
He puffed on his pipe without fear of restraint. 
He heard all the sounds of the trouble within, 
The roar of the flames, the loud shouts and the din 
Of the rickety engine; and often would rise 
From his seat to look in at the fire; then his eyes 
Would twinkle and glisten and sink out of sight, 
And the wrinkled old face pucker up with delight. 
Then the wicked old man would return to his smoke. 
'Twas shocking, his joy at this terrible stroke; 
And Nero, who fiddled when Rome Avas destroj^ed, 
To my way of thinking, w^as better employed! 

45 






1st it was over; he laid clown his pipe 
muttered : "I think the occasion is ripe 
or my interference: a politic stroke — 
at sign of the cross; by its nse I'll invoke 
e power that he fears; it '11 bring him, no doubt, 
"To a state of subjection : I'll order him out. 
" 'Twill make me a hero and win the applause 
"Of the heavenly legion, and maybe will cause 
"Such a change in the ratings that Michael himself 
"Will find that it lays him away on the shelf." 



Just then iiora without, in the darkness, he heard 
A voice, which in musical accents, averred 
That its owner was "somebody's darlint," and toc" 
"A wild Irish bhoy," and the gate-keeper, true 
To his duty, decided to tarry because 
This dut}^ required that he knew who it was. 
He had his suspicions, which soon were confirmed; 
St. Patrick appeared, and as he would have termed 
His condition, he had quite a "brannigan on!" 
He hiccoughed out: "Pater, how are yez, ould mon?" 

46 



How are yon, friend Patrick," said Peter. "And how 

Did you find it on earth? Was there much of a row?" 

Wnz there much av a row? — but ye'd ought to been there, 

An' see'd the shillalies thot flew troo the air, 

An' the lashin's of whisky the bhoys histed in. 

An' the bids thot were broken ! Bedad, 'twas a sin — 

'Twas the siv'nteenth of March — but Oi s'pose ye know thot, 

Me birth-day, ye know, they paraded an' — Fwat! 

Fwat's thot ye say. Pater, a divil inside? 

A divil in Hiven! but why does he bide? 

They can't git him out? — go along wid yez now — 

Ye doan't mane to tell me thot no one knows how ? 



"An' the angels can't cotch him — bad cess to them all: 
"They're of dom'd little use — so he guv yez a fall — 
"The murtherin' divil; an' fwat is his name? 
"It's Beelzebob, is it? Oi'm glad thot Oi came. 
" Oi chased all the snakes out av Ireland, begob; 
"An' now Oi'll go in an' evict Beelzebob! 
"Fwat, Hiven afire an' the mansions all burned! 
"Oh, where is thot divil? it's toime he returned 

47 




"To the Hell he belangs to; jist open the gate! — 
"Oi'U play such a tune wid me shtick on his pate 
"As '11 make him think twoice about comin' agin: 
"Unlock the gate, Pater, an' let me git in. 
"Doan't talk av the danger; sure, mon, ye kin boss 
"All the divils in Hell wid the sign av the cross." 

"No, Patrick; don't think of it — don't you go near 

"That terrible devil — just stay with me here 

"Where you're safe from all harm; you cannot subjugate 

"The fiend with the sign of the " ''Opin the gate! 

"Opin it, Pater, Oi ax j^ez." "No, no; 

"You don't know the strength of our terrible foe. 

"Just think of it, Patrick, he'll treat you the same 

"As he did all the rest of us; I am to blame: 

"Let me take the risk." "Will yez opeti thot gate!'' 

"Yez talk like a phool! must Oi stand here an' wait 

"Till je finish yer jaw whin me dooty requires 

"Thot Oi sind the fiend back to attind to his fires?" 

"But, Patrick, just listen, please listen to me " 

*'Hush! hold yer whist, Pater, an' git out thot key! 

48 



" Yer almighty fearful, Oi think, all at wance, 
"Thot Oi'U git into trouble: Oi'll batter yer sconce 
" VVid me bit av a shtick if ye doan't let me in. 
"Come open thot gate, ye ould skinful av sin!" 

"No, Patrick, I wont, it is foolish of " "Biff!" 

The stick of St. Patrick descended, and if 
The head that it struck had been softer, 'tis clear 
The blow would have linished St. Peter's career. 
But the stick flew in pieces, then hammer and tongs 
The saints went to fighting. Such conduct belongs 
To the regions of Hell; I, in fact, do not care 
To describe the details of this shocking affair: 
A very disgraceful proceeding; forsooth, 
I speak of it only for love of the truth! 



We return to brave Michael who, high in the air, 
Was gnashing his teeth in his rage and despair 
At the thoughts of the awful destruction and woe 
And his impotent efforts to close with the foe. 
For in battle he felt he was able to cope 
With the powerful fiend; and a glimmer of hope 

49 




Enlivened bis heart as he saw him extend 

To the utmost his sable-hued wings and descend 

In a narrowing spiral. And so he pursued. 

And Beelzebub, finding the chae was renewed, 

Now furled the broad pinions; then Michael the same; 

And down like the rush of a tempest they came, 

Pursued and pursuer, until 'midst the sound 

Of the thrashing of pinions, they stepped on the ground. 



"At last!" cried the Archangel; "now, will you stay 
"Where you are for a moment? I've something to say. 
"Since your advent in Heaven, you've jeered and you've scoffed 
"At ray efforts to catch ^'ou; alow and aloft 
"You've proved yourself fleetest in running and flight, 
"But dare you consider a challenge to fight? -^ 

"1 challenge you, fiend, to a battle with me; 
"I will give you the choice of the weapons; will see 
"That you have a fair chance; will an umpire provide 
" Whom I'll bind on his honor, to judge and decide 
"On our merits alone. If the battle you win, 
"You can open the gates to your partners in sin — 

50 



" You can turn what is left of our home into Hell 

"And we in your regions of darkness will dwell. 

"If I, on the contrary, prove myself best; 

"You will merely retire from the home of the blest 

"Without further jounishment: fiend^ do you dare 

" To oneet me in fight? on the ground^ or in air? ■ 

" With fists, loings and swords, knives and clubs, Pm adept- 

"My challenge is broad enough — dare you accept?" 

The Heavenly arm}^ had drawn very near, 

Though the glorified legion hung back in the rear. 

And Beelzebub listened with dignified mien 

And civil behavior, and, lo, it was seen 

That a change had come over the devilish face. 

It now was replete with a courteous grace. 

The features had lost the demoniac grin. 

The eyes had a kindlier light, where had been 

That hateful, revengeful, malevolent glare; 

And, raising his hand, he said, "Michael, I dare — 

"Yes, Michael, I dare, but will not," said the fiend. 
"Do you think that the passing of ages has weaned 

51 



"This heart from the love that once sweetened our lives? 
"No, Michael, that love is still strong; it survives 
"The pain and the anguish attending my fate, 
"And you alone, friend, are exempt from the hate 
"That I feel for your army. Think you I forget 
"That battle, when wounded and sorely beset 
"B}^ your comrades, you saved me and bandaged my hurt 
"And begged me to join you? I could not desert 
"My captain; my love was less strong than my pride; 
"But I never forgot it; and then, when the tide 
"Of the battle had turned, and you sent us to Hell, 
"There were tears in your eyes as you bade me farewell. 
"No, Michael; I'll fight your angelic command, 
"But against my old friend I will not raise my hand." 



"You're hardly consistent," said Michael; (he felt 
Of his nose as he spoke) "for you struck me a welt 
" With your halo that shouldn't have come from a friend; 
"I still wish to fight and my honor defend; 
"My challenge isgood; will you fight me?" "No, no," 
Said Beelzebub; "rather I'll journey below 

52 



"And leave you in peace: as for laying you out, 

"I didn't think clearly what I was about, 

"And perhaps underrated the strength of my arm. 

"I really am sorry 1 did jou this harm. 

"But in battle between us, to me it is plain 

"That you would be worsted: I spare you this pain." 



"But, tell me," said Michael, "just why you are here; 
"Are you coming again with your crowd in your rear?" 
"No, Michael, you're safe from invasion; in fact, 
"There's nothing in Heaven to tempt or attract 
"A well-seasoned devil; we're used to our Hell, 
"And wouldn't feel anxious to come here and dwell. 
"My object in coming is harder to state: 
"My orders were merely to pass through the gate; 
"Then send for an outfit and worry your host: 
"You spoiled it or Hell would have had them to roast. 
"That's all that I came for; Hell's where they belong— 
"For, Michael, jouv scheme of salvation is wrong. 
"But, when you denounced me, resuming my shape, 
"And finding it easy to make my escape, 



"I stayed to amuse myself ; now, as for that — 
"Your angels, I think, are a little too fat. 

"They're sadly in need of more discipline, too; 
"You cannot depend on so lazy a crew. 
"If I had them in Hell, I could possibl}^ make 
"Fair soldiers of them; which I'd do for jour sake, 
"Although I'd be tempted to kick, I admit, 
"The whole of them into the bottomless pit. 
"And, now, in regard to the mansions I've burned, 
"I'll speak to my master when I have returned; 
"No doubt he will send some mechanics to build 
"And furnish new houses, and see they are filled 
" With treasures enough to fit out a full score 
"Of the millions of souls you've provided before. 

"Now, Michael, good-b}^ I am going!" "But stay," 
Said Michael, "a moment, and tell me, I pray, 
"Your reasons for saying our glorious scheme 
"Of salvation is wrong; do you know you blaspheme?" 
"Most likely I do," said the fiend; "but I claim 
"Your glorious scheme is a farce, just the same; 

54 



"Absurd and ridiculous! Down on the coals 

"Are writhing in torment the noblest of souls; 

"And some are immersed in the sulphurous lakes; 

"And others are prey to the goblins and snakes-— 

"All screaming and gasping; yet, what was their crime? 

"They did not believe in the creeds of their time. 

"Philosophers, scientists, teachers of men, 

" Whose intellects soared to the uttermost ken 

"Of human perception, who learned but to tell 

"Their knowledge to others, are banished to Hell. 




^W^ 



And up here in Paradise, what have you got? 
Just look at them yonder; it's likely as not 
They're growling for outfits all 'round as before; 
I'm almost inclined to go through them once more. 
Yes, Michael, you're getting the worst of the game. 
Your glorious scheme is remarkably lame 
In its final results, though I do not insist 
That Hell gets the pick and the flovv^er of the list. 
No doubt you have some, who in spite of their creed 
Have lived but in virtue and goodness of deed. 

55 



^*But I mean that the greatest of scoundrels, who mark 
"Their lives with the murderous tricks of the shark, 
"On feeling the chill of the presence of death 
"Can shriek out their fear with their fast failing breath, 
"And begging for mercy from something unknown, 
"Can die and your scheme will their baseness condone. 
"You call it repentance! to me, it is clear 
"It is nothing but ignorant, cowardly fear." 
"That's so," said the Archangel, scratching his chin, 
"For that is the way that St. Peter got in. 
"Say, Beelzebub, Heaven can do very well 
"Without the old villain; please take him to Hell." 



"Excuse me," said Beelzebub, making a bow, 
"You'd better keep Peter just where he is now. 
"He's backed by the power of the Church and — hello!" 
Just then a commotion was seen in the row 
Of listening angels. St. Patrick appeared 
In a very excited condition; he cleared 
At a bound the short distance of space that remained, 
And raising a hand that was bloody and stained, 

56 



He made ere the wondering fiend was aware, 
The puissant sign of the cross in the air. 



Tlie inmates of Heaven were not in a state 

To care much for anything, little or great; 

But what now occurred was sufficient to cause 

Their faith in their senses to waver, because 

Of the wondrous effect of the sign on the iiend. 

He tremblingly lowered his head till he'd screened 

His eyes from the pantomime; then, a low whine 

Came whimpering forth and he turned; but the sign 

Was repeated right under his nose; then he fell 

On his face, giving vent to an agonized 3'ell; 

Then Michael, astonished, endeavored to speak. 

But his words were submerged in an ear-splitting shriek! 

For the wrathful St. Patrick now pressed the attack 

And traced the great sign of the cross on his back. 




And a murmur of wonder arose on the air 
From the angels and host, as the shrieks of despair 
Rang out over Heaven. St. Patrick now placed 
His foot on the neck of the fiend he'd disgraced. 

57 



And standing in t&tters, bespattered with mud, 

His knuckles disjointed and covered with blood 

(The blood was acquired from the gate-keeper's nose), 

His features disfigured, one ear in repose, 

One eye flashing fire and the other closed tight — 

He looked like a typified genius of fight. 

The puzzled Archangel now tried to induce 
The saint to desist, but he found it no use. 
He met him with volleys of stinging reproach. 
And seeing the wondering angels approach, 
He roundly abused them. I cannot repeat 
The language he used; it would sully my sheet. 
But when he had finished the torrent of scorn 
He shouted to Gabriel : " Gimme thot horn ! 
"Gimme thot inshtrument — gimme it quick; ^' 

"He nades a good batin'. Oi bruk me old shtick 
" On the head of St. Pater before Oi got in— 
" J ist gimme thot bugle; Oi want to begin!" 

And, seizing the horn from the trumpeter's hand, 
Who gave it in spite of the leader's command, 

58 



He j^elled to his victim, "Come, git out of this! 

" Yev been lang enough in the ragions of blis8." 

"Hold on!" said the Archangel. "Patrick, don't strike 

"The fiend when he's down, it is — ^" Hold your tongue, Mike! 

"An' doan't interfere wid me; Oi'm me own boss — 

" Ye'd better go practice the sign of the cross !" 

A most disrespectful and impudent speech. 

But Patrick, like Peter, was out of the reach 

Of Michael's authority; hence he was forced 

To witness a scene he would not have indorsed. 



St. Patrick, now grasping the tail of the foe 
And jerking him upward, delivered a blow 
On his head with the horn; then he shouted, "Git out!'* 
And away went the twain, while a jubilant shout 
Went up from the host. He continued to whack 
The terrified fiend on the head and the back 
('Twas hard on the trumpet), and straight for the gate 
The tandem rushed on at a furious rate. 
And often the fiend would endeavor to 'rise 
And as often the saint, with a growl of surprise, 

59 



Would hang his whole weight on that suffering tail 
And cause such a plan of escaping to fail. 
Yet he might, even so, have got out of the place 
But Heaven's great portal was slammed in his face. 

St. Peter was terribly thrashed in the fight, 

And this is the way that he vented his spite. 

For Patrick had let himself in with the key, 

And Peter had left the gate open to see 

What happened; and now, as the devil drew near, 

With Patrick made fast to the tail in the rear. 

In frenzy of rage and unsaintly chagrin 

He closed Heaven's portal and locked the fiend in. 

Then Heaven's great legion came down with a rush, 
All shouting and howling; they met in a crush 
Surrounding the two, where they struggled and fought 
To reach the discomfited fiend who had brought 
Such trouble upon them. The first who arrived 
Were jammed into the center; the nearest contrived 
Some blows to deliver, though not very true 
(St. Patrick got most and the devil a few), 

60 



And others climbed over the heads of the rest; 
Each making the sign of the cross on his breast. 
And around in a zizgag the center was borne 
With Patrick still pounding the fiend with the horn. 



The angels themselves would have led the assault 
But Michael had thundered the order to halt . 
They obeyed, and their leader looked on in disgust. 
"He spared me," he muttered, "through friendship and trust; 
"And now he is weak and a prey to the wrath 
"Of that pack of w^olves: 1 will make him a path" — 
And spreading his pinions, he soon was above 
The struggling exponents of kindness and love, 
Where, gauging his distance, he dropped to the ground 
And elbowed a circle of space close around 
The merciless saint and his victim: he held 
His fist to the nose of St. Patrick, and yelled 
"Let go of that tail and that horn — I huist ! " 
" Will ye moind yer own business?" said Patrick. The fist 
Drew back and returned with the sickening crash 
Of a battering ram on the jaw of the rash 

61 



« 



/A^ 




And unhappy St. Patrick, who, dropping the horn 
And the tail, by the terrible impulse was borne 
Full forty feet off where, unconscious, he lay 
Along with three others who stood in the way. 

Bruised, bleeding, and sore from the blows of the saint, 

The devil, released from the galling restraint 

Of the weight on his tail, now arose in the air 

And painfully flew to the battlements, where 

He paused to recuperate : silent and glum. 

He scanned them; then beckoned the premier to come. 

So Michael, to hear what the devil would saj, 

Approached — all before him got out of his way. 

"You'd better escape before Patrick comes to," 

He yelled, "and now, Beelzebub,, what can 1 do?" 

"Friend Michael," said Beelzebub, "ere I depart, 
"I wish to express from the depths of ray heart 
"My sense of the debt I lie under to you; 
"And also, I wish to apologize, too, 
"For insulting you so, when I proudly declined 
"Your challenge to fight; 1 have now changed my mind. 

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"But not with a wish to accept it — oh, no! 

"I merely congratulate you on the blow 

"That you dealt with such force on that terrier's head; 

"He nearly had pulled out my tail as he sped. 

" 'Twas awful, and never in Heaven or Hell 

"Have 1 seen such a blow and delivered so well. 

"Still, Michael, admitting you're best in a fray, 

"1 think I could beat you in running away. 



"Now, Michael, observe the condition I'm in; 
"Contusions and bruises all over my skin; 
"My strength and my courage departed, so weak 
"That only by effort I'm able to speak. 
" But I fell by a power that is greater than yours ; 
" A povjer which on earth by its sy stein immures 
'^ Its hapless adherents in darkness and gloom. 
" The foe to all knowledge and learning ; the tomb 
" Of more of the lore of the children of men 
" Than all of its strength can enliven again — 
" Which, octopus-like, having clutched in its grip) 
" Tlie nations of earth, now endeavors to slip 

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"An arm into Heaven. Beware of that band 
" Of canonized saints who defy your conimand ! 
" Beware of this foe to all human research! 
"Beware of the power of the Catholic Church!! 
" BEWARE \\\ or in time you will cower and crouch. 
" A?i ignoble slave to your saints toho ivill — OUCH ! ! !" 

The closing remark in this blaspliemous speech 
Was caused by his having endeavored to reach 
His sadly demoralized tail to the front. 
No doubt to gesticulate with, as is wont 
Among devils when making their speeches in Hell. 
For the wave of a tail will embellish and swell 
A commonplace speech to a point where the gist 
Is apparent without even shaking a fist. 
The movement was painful; he tenderly placed 
The tail in the rear, and on turning he faced 
Besides the astonished and mystified chief 
Another — a sad apparition of grief. 

St. Peter it was, scarcely able to walk, 
Whose appearance had now interrupted the talk. 

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But so badly disfigured, and battered, and bruised, 
So bloody and dirty, so crippled, contused 
And utterl^^ woe-begone, helpless and faint. 
That Michael himself didn't know the old saint. 
Since shutting the gate he had seen what occurred 
And, though at some distance, he even had heard 
The sound of that terrible blow on the jaw 
That ended the row; and he thought that he saw, 
Inasmuch as St. Patrick was out of the way 
And the angels and host were disposed to delay, 
An opportune chance to fulfill his design 
Of scaring him out of the place with the sign. 



So he made the omnipotent sign with his thumb 
— The rest of his fingers were all out of plumb — 
But the fiend was a little more used to it now 
And answered the saint with a courteous bow; 
And without giving way to unseemly alarm. 
He gathered the slack of his tail on his arm. 
And then disappeared in the darkness without. 
And Paradise rang with a deafening shout, 

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^<3> 




For at last they were rid of their devilish guest! 
But many inquiries were cautiously pressed 
On Michael regarding the speech on the wall; 
But Michael maintained he said nothing at all 
That really concerned them; in fact, he could vouch 
That all that he said of importance, was — "ouch!" 



So at last lie was gone and the jubilant host 

Returned to the choir, and the saint to his post. 

St. Patrick was tenderly carried to bed. 

In time he recovered, but found that his head 

Was over to starboard; a permanent list 

Was given his neck by the blow of the fist. 

But he harbored no grudge, for in fact he admired 

The Archangel's jjrowess, and even desired 

That Michael would show him the way it was done. 

He claimed it would furnish him plenty of fun; 

And wanted, he said, to "hit Pater loike thot!" 

'Tis needless to say the Archangel would not. 

The gate-keeper also recovered his strength 
And sang his own praise at consider'ble length. 

66 




He claimed that they couldn't consistently doubt 
That he was the one who had made him get out. 
But no one paid any attention to him. 
So, seeing his chances of credit were slim, 
At last he subsided and stuck to his post 
And vented his spleen by abusing the host. 



And the Hea\'enly host had endeavored to sing, 
But couldn't somehow get the hang of the thing. 
They sang out of tune, and the^^ failed to agree 
As to which was the meter and which was the key. 
They started the chorus again and again, 
But only to end in confusion ; and then 
They adjourned for a little to practice their parts, 
They said. But I think that in most of their hearts 
Were traces of sin that they could not correct — 
That halo had still its unholy effect. 
Tliey silently wandered, in pairs, and alone. 
But took the direction the halo had flown, 
And soon, lying under the southernmost wall. 
They found the great halo, not damaged at all. 

67 



..„i_- 






They tenderly handled the glorious zone, 

And praised its remarkable color and tone 

As they handed it 'round, but they couldn't agree 

As to who was to wear it. At last a decree 

From the Throne (or the Pontiff — they couldn't tell which) 

Decided the matter without any hitch. 

St. Peter was given the halo, until 

The time should arrive when the devils could fill 

An order for duplicate halos for all. 

This happy decision averted a brawl. 

And proudly the gate-keeper swaggered and talked 

Of his value in Heaven. One night as he walked 

Close under the wall, he was collared and dashed 

Head-foremost against it: the halo was smashed. 

He swore it on Patrick, but Patrick denied 

The base imputation and loudly defied 

His colleague to prove it, and wanted to fight. 

Still 1 am inclined to think Peter was right. 

And Beelzebub proved himself good as his word. 
One day a remarkable racket was heard 
At the gate, and a covey of devils came in 
With tools and materials, and, with a din 

68 

x\ / 




Of pounding and yelling, took charge of the place 

And soon reconstructed the City of Grace. 

And everything damaged was put in repair: 

New outfits were made while the devils were there 

(The halos were better than any yet worn) 

And Gabriel managed to get a new horn. 

And Patrick was happy; they voted him "boss," 

And he managed the fiends with the sign of the cross. 

When the fiends had departed, the Archangel called 
His angels around him, and having first hauled 
The trumpeter Gabriel over the coals 
For aiding St. Patrick, he spoke of the souls. 
He called their attention to all that had past — 
How ugly the saints had behaved, and at last 
Repeated the terrible speech he had heard 
From the top of the wall, and he even averred 
That he thought every word of it true, and advised 
Inasmuch as the power of the symbol sufficed 
For the devils, that they in the future direct 
Their energies closer to Heaven's elect. 
And he said: "We will pay no attention to Hell — 
"The Catholic Church can do that ver}'' well; 

69 



"But we must look out for the Catholic Church 
"And keep it in shape, or be left in the lurch." 




So, at Michael's direction the angels began 
A course of athletics; they wrestled and ran. 
They walked and they jumped, and they flew and they fought 
With fists and with clubs till the Archangel thought 
That his crew as policemen would do very well, 
And promised to take them some morning to Hell 
And show them to Beelzebub. Then a long club 
And a helmet and badge and instructions to drub. 
Recalcitrant spirits (at Michael's request 
The devils had made him these things with the rest) 
Were given each one; and patrolling their beats 
They kept all the glorified souls in their seats; 
And the host could now sing, and be glad, but — alas! 
Saints Peter and Patrick don't speak as they pass: 
A very unfortunate state of afi^airs. 
Increasing a little the Archangel's cares. 
And preventing me too, ere resigning my pen 
From saying that peace was in Heaven again. 

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